New teenager still needs guiding mother

By Moryt Milo

In mid-October my daughter reached a birthday milestone. She turned 13. As my first child to enter what every post-teen parent tells me is the beginning of tumultuous mother-daughter years, I can only wonder what lies ahead.

As I sat in my car waiting to pick her up from her first school dance, I wondered if her levelheaded and self-assured nature is going to change. I thought about how she values my advice and involvement and wondered how much her attitude will shift.

She has also, since the birth of her brother, watched out for him and been his fiercest defender. I hoped it was a bond that would endure.

After a few whirlwind weeks of birthday parties and family coming to town, this was my first opportunity to step into the quiet and absorb what had just transpired.

As I waited alone in the night for her dance to end, 13 years seemed a mere wrinkle in time. Like a family movie viewed through the eyes of a mother, segments of her life flashed by me. From sleepless nights, nursing and toilet training, to my anxiety over her first days of preschool and kindergarten, making friends and being accepted in a world beyond parents and family--those familiar knots of uncertainty were once again swirling.

The signs of change had been creeping in for a while. She asks to spend more time with friends and do more grown-up things like go to the movies and the mall without me hanging around.

And I feel that invisible hand of wisdom tapping me on the shoulder saying, "Take a deep breath. It's OK to allow her some space."

Space, where she will test her own courage and judgment; where her innocence will begin to fade and her wisdom grow; where there will be tears I won't see and words I won't hear because girlfriends and boyfriends will take my place; where there are no's and glares, as her words remind me of my youth and my words echo my mother's voice.

I am trying to prepare myself for all that lies ahead, but deep down I can only hope that so far I got it right, and that I can keep it up.

As she enters her teens and my memories of those years seem more vivid, I recall my sense of immortality and my unwavering belief in those fearless times. But back in the '60s and '70s, times weren't so threatening. I can't make the same claim today.

That was one of the reasons my husband and I decided to give our daughter a cell phone for her birthday. Some may think my gift was frivolous, but I saw it as a necessity. It also sent her a positive message. It said this gift was given because her parents believe in her, consider her responsible and old enough to use it and not abuse it. There are guidelines that came with the phone, which include when and how often she uses it.

But it's all another step in our relationship, one I believe includes acknowledging that we respect her and recognize her maturity.

Like any parent, if I could fast-forward the next 10 years of her life and find the magic recipe for making it easier, I would do it in heartbeat. But my child is her own person on her own road to adulthood.

So as she walked up the path toward my car, and I saw her familiar gait, smile and friends and her joy of experiencing her first dance, I dried my tears as she got in the car--thank goodness it was dark so she couldn't see my face--and asked, "So how'd it go?"

"Oh, Mom, it was so great," she said, almost breathless.

And as she went into detail, I knew all I could do was continue being her guide, mentor and mother.

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Contact Moryt Milo via email at morytb@aol.com.

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