It's an offer Pocket Dwellers shouldn't refuse

By Bill O. Gallmeister

You know, we are approaching this annexation thing all wrong. The way I look at it, the town is not making an underhanded grab for more control, more taxpayers, more more. Rather, we Pocket Dwellers are being made an offer, a generous offer, good for a limited time only, of exclusive membership in The Town.

Just think about it. You may have jumped at the opportunity to join Courtside or the Swim and Racquet club for a few thousand dollars in initiation fees, but The Town Itself offers you membership with no money down! And what's more, no increase in monthly dues for the foreseeable future. I mean, if the town managers say it, what's not to believe?

We stand to get a free upgrade from our current membership in the admittedly downscale County Club--and a whole bevy of exclusive, members-only benefits.

Allow me to elaborate on a few of the advantages of assimilation--er, annexation--er, membership--into The Town:

* Free parking at The Town's exclusive Oak Meadow Park (at the present time, you will still need to pay for rides on The Town's exclusive miniature railroad and carousel, however);

* Free library card to The Town library, which, due to the fact that it is not part of the county library system, is far more resistant to any sort of Y2K nastiness. Unlimited access to the library's extensive collection of seedy jazz art from the walls of the Great Bear.

* A tremendous and often overlooked advantage of The Town membership is unfettered access to The Town architectural advisory service. This exclusive service aids in any and all remodeling projects. Size is no object--the advisory service is available for projects as small as tree-trimming or as large as wholesale knoll leveling and compound establishment. Roof lowering, house shifting, cabana removal and decision reversals are all specialties.

Advisory service is provided by a select committee of professional planners, lawyers, council members, former sportscasters, interested citizens, vagrants and high-school kids. Small fees and honoraria, not to exceed $150,000, may be required. Due to extreme popularity of the service, may result in delays of up to six years of certain projects, depending on numerous unforeseeable factors. Spontaneous reversal of advisory committee opinions may incur further delays and additional costs. Your mileage may vary. The Town recommends sub-zero refrigeration systems, Wolf ranges and Fender Stratocaster guitars. For an additional fee the advisory service will comment on the car you drive, your choice of clothes, your body-fat ratio and/or the noticeability of your bald spot.

* Certificate good for one (1) "Los Gatos The Town" baseball cap.

* The Coffee Roasting package: a debit-card arrangement that automatically deducts latte purchases from your parcel tax bill. Offer good at any of the 812 coffeehouses in The Town.

* With platinum coffee card, available for an additional fee, we offer a complimentary Lycra evaluation to determine your optimal clothing choices for trips to The One And Only Real First Started When There Wasn't No Other Durn Coffee Roasting Company. Don't miss out on this optional benefit and look the Town Look. (A little town secret I'll share with just you: county visitors, in general, are easily identifiable by their ill-fitting garb of burlap, their too-short corduroy pants or their weak and characterless chins.)

Now in the event that I have not swayed you with these additional benefits of membership in The Town, allow me to paint a brief picture of the admittedly bleak alternative: park at Vasona (or ride a bike); use the infinitely-more-functional county library system; rely on your own tastes and architect for the remodeling of your property (and pay less for permits into the bargain); stick with the old "Snorkel Bob" baseball cap from that last trip to Maui; and remain an ill-dressed, classless county frump, snickered at as you schlep out of the Roasting Company, latte in hand.

The choice is yours. Act Now. Limited Time Offer!

---

Bill O. Gallmeister is a resident of Los Gatos, albeit a Pocket Dweller. He describes himself as a software guy and full-time curmudgeon.

---

Police Report

It's an offer Pocket Dwellers shouldn't refuse

Surveys show that drug use at LGHS remains high

Elemental Arts Gallery features local artists

Picture From the Past

Sports Briefs

Cats come back for win against Mustangs

LG frosh-soph team defeats Homestead

Wildcats take second at Mt. Sac Invitational

Basketball registration now underway